It’s been about 1 week since I moved into my apartment in Isla Vista and over a year since I moved away for college. This past year has been one of the best of my life; I’ve met so many amazing people, experienced many firsts, and gained a sense of freedom that I’ve never had until leaving home. Moving away for college is fun and I know many people can agree on that. I can come home whenever I want, eat junk food without my mom guilt-tripping me and press snooze on my alarm clock until I realize I skipped half of my classes. This new freedom meant new responsibility, a duty I had never been held accountable for until I became “independent”.
Growing up, I had limited responsibilities. Being the baby of the family, I was never asked of things by my parents that my older sisters had to do. I didn’t have to babysit. I didn’t have to cook food. I didn’t have to apply for colleges first and fill out important papers. I immediately sought help from my parents and my sisters, who would end up doing everything for me. On top of that, I had protective parents who kept me from experiencing any hardships by handling any potential problem or difficulty. They would go out of their way to pick me up from school instead of telling me to take the bus home. They paid for all my expenses and discouraged me from getting a high school job. It was a great life. I didn’t have to worry about anything because I knew that I didn’t have to handle it. When I finally moved away from home, I forgot to acknowledge the luxury of living with a family that I could depend on. It wasn’t until I was faced to do things on my own that I became incompetent, anxious and irresponsible. I didn’t know how to handle menial tasks like cleaning a moldy fridge, filling out my own FAFSA, scheduling my own doctor appointments and taking care of my self when I was sick. Normal tasks induced anxious and nervous feelings. On top of my lack of wisdom and extreme anxiety, my indecisiveness continues to hinder my ability to become a responsible and self-efficient adult. All of my friends can attest to the fact that I am a very indecisive person. It takes me forever to decide where to eat, or what to wear. I’m honestly surprised I’m not undeclared. I panic and desperately seek consultation from my friends, sisters or mom to figure out how to solve my own problems. My indecisive nature is a result of following my parents’ guidance. There were limited moments of failure that prevented me from adapting to day-to-day challenges. As a result, growing up became that much harder for me. No one ever talks about the challenges moving away from home can be for people like me. I didn't expect it to be hard. I didn't realize how lonely it can be sometimes to be there for yourself. I realized that my desire to be home wasn’t only because I wanted to eat at Sushi House or sleep in my comfortable bed; I yearned to be home because it’s the only place I can seek refugee from stressful situations that I would have to otherwise deal with on my own. I can go back into my old bubble of comfort, naivety, and irresponsibility. Unfortunately, college is only a taste of the problems I will face in the future, problems I know I have to face on my own. Paying for bills, house hunting, finding a job, doing well in school, watching over my health and adapting to change are inherent duties I didn’t realize were a part of being free and independent. So far, I’ve become accustomed to this routine. I became more aggressive, more motivated and hard working. I’ve become comfortable communicating how I feel and am no longer afraid to speak up for myself and other people when I believe it’s necessary. I learn more about myself everyday living on my own and dealing with new challenges. I’m still figuring out how to become less stressed in new situations and hope to someday make my own decisions without having to ask for other people’s advice. Until that day, you can expect me to be spamming your twitter feeds about my anxiety, asking my mom how to remove a stain while pacing around the store deciding between two brands of detergent.
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When I was in high school, I started becoming pessimistic, unenthusiastic and uninterested. I’m not sure if I was under unfair circumstances or if it was typical teenage angst and anxiety. I know it wasn’t the former; I had a family who loved me, friends who hung out with me and a bright future ahead of me. At the time, I didn’t perceive my life as privileged. In fact, I constantly compared it to others. I let my fear of failure control me, my insecurities grow, and my negative energy attract negative occurrences. It wasn’t the circumstances. It might have been the teenage angst. It was, rest assured, my perspective and attitude that pulled me into a downward spiral I thought I would never be able to escape. Now, I generally like to call myself a happy person. Sure, I have days where I hate school or work, am upset about something or at someone, caught up in everyday drama or pressed against the face of adversity. Who doesn’t? We can’t always be happy. But, we can carry a more positive, happier attitude that can make others and ourselves feel better about life’s curveballs. By incorporating some of these thoughts and manifesting them into actions, I became a more happy person.
1. Never fear failure I decided to make this the first point because I felt like this idea is fundamental advice for anyone that’s trying to change his or her life, whether big or small. As a child, I prided myself on the things that I was successful at doing. I was an exceptional mathematician, outstanding computer game player and biking extraordinaire. Looking back, many of the memories I remember as a kid are the same bike riding treks through my neighborhood and completing the same games and subjects I had already mastered. This monotonous schedule and cycle of success translated itself into my middle school years. Although I had some interest or sought to learn more about certain subjects, sports or activities, my fear of failure and rejection impeded any of my attempts to try something new. I didn’t play any sports or run any clubs, and I didn’t participate in extra-curricular activities. I was too afraid to pick up a basketball to find out that I couldn’t make a basket. I felt like I wasn’t living a life I wanted to live and was holding myself back. I was so used of being successful at what I usually do, that I didn’t try to learn or excel at something different. It was the fear of failure that stopped me from expanding myself. It was this fear that made me feel like I had already failed. Upon entering high school, I knew that I needed to change my attitude and reach out for other opportunities and gain new interests. I expanded my leadership roles in student government and joined men’s tennis. I grew passionate about service and poetry and the environment. I constantly worked with new ideas and new people. Every day was a learning experience for me. Although I lacked any experience prior to immersing myself in this new area, I was not going to let the fear of failure stop me from enjoying my life. Adolescence was a time of experimentation and growth. In essence, don’t let the fear of failure or fear of rejection keep you from wanting to try new things, expanding your knowledge, or getting to where you need to be. Everyone starts off at the same place. Deciding you want to do something and committing to it is the hardest part of a journey toward achieving a goal. 2. Don’t compare your life to others I still find this very hard, especially because of social media. Social media has become the perfect outlet for people to post about their amazing vacations, craziest parties, new jobs, successful workouts and good food. Looking at pictures always makes me feel jealous or unproductive. I feel less happy about other people and more sad about what I'm missing out on. For lent last year, I gave up Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. I became more productive with my schoolwork, more social with the people around me, and felt less anxious about needing to check what everyone else was doing. I was focused on what I was doing. Appreciate the friends and family that make up our lives. Embrace your struggles and focus on conquering them. Being preoccupied in other people’s lives keeps us from enjoying and improving our own. We can also look at these people and experiences and use them as motivation. It’s nice to say “omg you’re #goals!” It’s even better to take action. The things you want in life aren’t restricted to certain people. It may be harder to achieve, but still possible. Lastly, Always remember that the cool pictures and posts you see online are just the good parts. These people are probably studying at home, spending time on their phones or eating the same cereal just like you are. Remember all of the good memories you’ve had in the past and remind yourself of what’s to come. In the words of J Cole, “No such thing as a life that’s better than yours.” 3. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good I used to have a hard time figuring out why I still felt lonely even though I was surrounded by so many people. I realized that the people I surrounded myself with weren’t people who made me feel good about myself. Forget your “friends” who constantly make you feel bad about what you do, criticize your life choices or pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do. Find people who make you feel comfortable and support you. Having good friends who listen to you make life easier to go through. 4. Love yourself Being confident isn’t easy. Take it from someone who’s experienced feeling insecure. Everyone feels it-every gender, every ethnicity, every age. Society's standards make it hard for us to be happy with ourselves. With celebrities, the media and our own peers, accepting who we are with the constant pressure to look, act or be what everyone else thinks is “beautiful” or “normal” can make us feel inadequate. Trying to be happy about who we are is easier said than done. Throughout middle school and high school, I lacked any feeling of self-worth and self-confidence that would have allowed me to feel good about myself. Thoughts that I was untalented- not smart enough, not athletic enough, not artistic enough, were engraved in my mind. I felt like God forgot to give me something special, something that made me worth it. I was obsessed with trying to become someone that my family would be proud of and my peers would respect. It seemed like the only way to love myself was if others loved me. Some point in high school, I realized that I was trying to find love in other people to make up for the love I didn’t have for myself. I wanted to impress others in order to impress myself. I didn’t need to change my personality, or interests or hobbies. I didn’t have to act or talk a certain way to find love. I needed to change how I felt about myself and embrace who I was. After changing my perspective, things started falling together. I didn’t feel the need to be different in a way that would damage my identity. So, I get that loving yourself is challenging. When I don’t do well on a test, can’t land an interview, or can't finish those final reps at the gym, I start self-doubting myself again. Remember that these moments of failure determine who we are. Loving yourself doesn’t just mean being confident; it’s respecting yourself enough to keep going and not succumbing to failure. By loving myself, I’ve accomplished more in my life than I have before. I introduced myself to new people, found real friends who respected me as much as I respected myself, and realized all of the positive qualities that make up my character and used those to help myself and others. 5. Do what makes your happy Go running. Go shopping. Eat what you’re craving. Go out with your friends. Learn about something that interests you. While it’s important to keep our responsibilities and goals in check, Life doesn’t always have to be miserable. Sometimes our careers or long-term aspirations prevent us from enjoying necessary moments and feelings in life. Make time for yourself by doing what you enjoy. 6. Believe everything happens for a reason For me, this idea has always been one of the most helpful ideas that I have incorporated into my everyday life. Believing that everything happens for a reason, especially when life doesn’t go my way, helps me turn a negative thought into a more positive and assuring one. I didn’t get the internship I initially wanted for the summer after my freshmen year of college. I started doubting myself and became anxious about my future. It turns out that, this past summer had been one of the most memorable summers of my life. I went to multiple trips, including a spontaneous trip to lake Tahoe with friends, a birthday weekend in Los Angeles, an unexpected trip to Europe with my sisters and a part-time job that I enjoyed working at. I met new people, traveled to new places, and spent my break being with friends and family I haven’t seen for a whole year. Things ended up working out. Even though I didn’t get the internship, I have memories to look back on. It's like things were meant to be the way it turned out. I know that there are many more opportunities for a career-building job or internship. Sometimes the unexpected circumstances that occur lead us to certain people, places and serendipitous experiences that make us stronger and change our lives. 7. Be nice It’s simple. I get that you might be having a bad day (we all do) or maybe you think you’re hardcore like rihanna and think having a resting bitch face and idgaf personality is cool. You know what’s cooler? Being respectful of other people, smiling at them, starting a conversation or helping them when you can. All of my favorite people in my life that I look up to and enjoy being around are all genuinely nice people. All of the people I try my best to avoid are the ones that are negative and disrespectful. Small actions, words and vibes you don’t think people notice/care about actually impact another person’s day. Remember to be nice. It makes you feel better too. 8. Always express gratitude Lastly, being thankful about your life is the easiest and best way to be a happier person. “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, avarice, hostility, worry, and irritation.” People who appreciate every aspect of their life have found to be generally happier, more energetic, optimistic, hopeful and attract positivity.The more blessings we think about, the more we feel satisfied about our lives. There are enough things to be thankful for every singly day even though our lives seem unchanging. Challenge yourself to recount your blessings at the end of every day or week. I promise you, you will be surprised at how many good things you have in your life that you forget about when you’re stressed, nervous or feeling down. I’m thankful for this delicious carbona pasta I’m eating that I wish everyone could try. I’m thankful for being able to attend an amazing university that accepted me, despite how challenging classes are and expensive the tuition is. I’m thankful for people who continue to inspire me to be a better person and motivate me to keep up with this blog. I know some of these points might seem redundant or something you continue to hear and disregard. As cliché or cheesy these ideas can be, slowly incorporating them into your life can make you feel happier. A craigslist ad is surfacing the Internet via Facebook about Oakland’s original residents being displaced by an influx of white-collar yuppies. I’m not an expert on gentrification, but I am aware of the wave of trendy establishments that are attracting newcomers. Of course, gentrification doesn’t only mean new gastropubs and shopping centers. It involves real estate, crime rates, education and other areas of public policy and city infrastructure. As an environmental science major interested in working as an urban/city planner, this issue felt close to home (literally).
After reading different articles on gentrification, I realized that there are both pros and cons to this process. As a resident of Oakland, I like seeing my city improve. Yes, I love my liquor stores and neighborhood parks. Yes, I love my favorite local Chinese restaurant down the block and my hairdresser who has been grooming me since I was 2 years old. It’s the memorable places and likeminded people who share a love for Oakland that remind me of how lucky I am to be apart of a diverse, cultured and prideful city. I respect the hardworking families who recognize privilege and youth who fight for social justice. Despite all of this, I still appreciate the efforts that Oakland is making to revitalize itself. I like the addition of better roads and refurbished buildings. Change is sometimes necessary for improvement. Improvement can easily be placed in the wrong hands. It upsets me that many of Oakland’s original residents (those who have established all of its rich culture and history) are being driven out of their homes that have been around for generations. The blame shouldn’t be shifted toward the new residents; it should be targeted toward poor city government planning in collaboration with large corporations. Known as Hyper-gentrification, large corporations and investors take advantage of the opportunity to redevelop areas into luxurious metropolises and profit off of people who can afford a higher living. The shift in capital goes from the individual to the corporation. Whether we like it or not, Oakland is going to be changing. Rather than fighting against a battle that is already being won, residents should be fighting for ways to keep up with this change. Minimum wages should correctly match the standard living wage. New jobs should be created because of the new developments. Money could be allocated to preserve affordable housing and reduce cultural displacement. More representation should be given to our communities. More regulations within the planning commission should be established. Larger government oversight and zoning to balance out the free market. We should support local businesses, be proactive in elections, understand our tenant rights (we can speak out against exploitative and illegal actions by our landlords) Etc. Etc. Although, I didn’t cover much about gentrification, there are just too many economic, social and political factors that go into this complicated process that make it hard for me to make any wise or intellectual judgments. How can urban revitalization take place without gentrification? How can we improve our cities without displacing its residents and culture? Write your thoughts in the comment section below. Tonight, My friends and I found ourselves in an unexpected place. To switch things up a bit, we decided to go to The New Parkway Theatre, a pizza joint/pub adjacent to a retro-styled movie theatre filled with assorted couches and loveseats. The entire set-up was a hub for Oakland hipsters that indulge in activities like bingo and beer Tuesdays, art night Wednesdays, and open mics. My friends and I joined Thursday’s trivia night, which turned out to be as I expected, more difficult than we might have presumed. Aside from the fact that I lacked any knowledge on the questions that were being asked, the environment made me feel a little out of place. To be quite honest, I felt like an outsider. It might be because I wasn’t able to order a pint of beer like rest of the adults, but I’m pretty sure that our appearance and age definitely had some part in my isolation. I was getting strange looks from people that didn’t even know me.
While I personally have nothing against their lifestyle and tastes (by all means, be who you want to be, I respect your interests), I do have a problem with the cliquey, cynical and elitist attitudes some people associated with being a “hipster” must embody. They hate when their interests become mainstream yet refuse to respect people who don’t match their persona or wardrobe. Saying things like “You probably haven’t heard of it” or “your music taste doesn’t match your closet” makes you a closed-minded asshole. Nevertheless, there are cliquey, cynical and elitist attitudes in all groups of people. Calling out one group would be making a one-sided argument. The close-minded asshole can be found anywhere. Labels like “hipsters” or “frat guys” or “yuppies” create larger gaps between people, force ourselves to spot out differences and immediately judge another person’s interests. These ethnocentric actions keep people in their comfort zones and stratify our diverse communities. Overall, I think going to this joint made me realize that there are so many different personalities, styles and interests around us. Sometimes I get so used of being around the same people and going to the same places, that I forget that our world is diverse in more ways than just ethnicity, religion and gender. By avoiding ethnocentrism, being aware of other people, finding similarities and respecting their individuality, we can avoid becoming the close-minded asshole. Don’t let my opinions or personal feelings stop you from checking out The New Parkway Theatre. I definitely think this cool, unique place is worth a visit! Who knows, it might just be your cup of tea. Now and then I find myself lost somewhere between my "World Literature" and "I cant sleep: Poetry" folders in search for some of my old writing. The same holds true when I clean my room. Organizing my desk and removing junk from the bottom of my bed doesn't actually take 5 hours; It's the discovery of bittersweet memorabilia and distant recollections of the past, hidden beside empty water bottles, dusty yearbooks and dried up graduation leis that postpones productivity. Tonight I looked back on a short essay I wrote the summer before college. If you haven't already figured out, I'm a very sentimental person and home to the "sign my yearbook", "goes to everyone's senior night" and "makes a mixtape of all the songs played during prom" squad. Looking back, things weren't as serious as I thought they were during the time. I love how this short essay I wrote knew exactly how irrelevant and unnecessary writing a tribute to 4 years of high school was, even at the time it was being written. I cringe but appreciate my thoughtfulness. Without further ado:
A High school Memoire Coming into high school, I expected nothing less than one of the many long and strenuous milestones I would have to reach in my life. Looking back, I can say with complete honesty and sincerity that high school has changed my life. For some, four years might have seemed to consist simply of academics, sports, and friendships. For me, high school is more. High school was a time for lack of responsibility and opportunity. It was hallway gatherings, lunch time conversations, after school hang outs and weekend parties. It was early morning drives and warm afternoons. It was laughing at inside jokes and experiencing second-hand embarrassing moments. It was spirit week and prom and boring dances and assemblies that felt like eternity. It was basketball games and night rallies and intense games in the quad. It was driving around for no apparent reason. It was movie nights with friends and the excitement and utter confidence in watching horror films. It was late night midnight snacks and 3am drive thru's. It was texting conversations that became more important than dinner and driving to your friend’s house when there was nothing to do. It was not worrying too far ahead and focusing on the present and near future. High school was a time of firsts: a time of experimentation, change, and growth. It was first kisses and dates, lust and love, friendships and summer romances. It was the first day of school, of practice, of opening night of the musical. High school was excitement; it was about passion and pursuit, blind love and infatutuation. It was the feeling of being invincible, the feeling of being able to satisfy my desire to be happy despite teachers and parents and old enemies. Above all, it was the people I grew so close to that have really defined my adolescence: my best friends, my close friends, my friends in class and from my team. These people were my friends- friends who made me die of laughter and of petty embarrassing moments, friends I could talk to about enemies and girls and family, friends who knew every one of my pet peeves, favorite foods, facial expressions and nuances in character. They were friends that could accept my forgetfulness and lack of ability in multi-tasking and friends who I could trust in ordering my food at restaurants or move my car or talk my parents into letting me go out. They were friends who I can now admit, were right about bad people, risky situations and relationships they tried to warn me about. It was these small and minor gestures that represented my faith and trust in them. It would be foolish of me to not mention the endless number of acquaintances; the people that I will probably forget in the future, but have made every day at school different for me. Whether it was a head nod in the hallway or an interesting conversation in class. I won’t remember these people, or what they said, but I know I’ll remember the feeling of casual friendliness. To say that all of this sums up high school would be romanticizing it. It wasn’t carefree and untroubled and there wasn’t a party every night. Most days are uneventful. Weeks go by and things seem to feel the same. There are bad days, horrible Mondays, and boring weekends. There are failed exams, late nights finishing essays, and crap from teachers during class. Almost every morning is a struggle to get up and live. There are days I’ve felt unmotivated, depressed and lonely and there are nights of insomnia and physical hurt. Times I’ve felt like being someone else. Moments I drowned myself in sad songs and isolated myself from friends and family. There are douche bags who ruin your day without trying and parents that vomit complaints every time they open their mouths. There are break ups, unrequited love and mixed signals. I had friends who haven’t even experienced a first love or a date to the dance. I had friends who would dread going home because of family problems and knew people who skipped school to avoid the trouble of facing ruthless peers. High school created anger, melancholy, anxiety and self-hatred. It was a factory of unsatisfied teenagers who felt powerless in situations. High school is the biggest oxymoron I know. I can feel happy and sad, surrounded but alone. I can talk about how invincible I felt and how trapped I felt too. As much as I am ready to leave behind this institution, and move on with the rest of my life, high school has taught me many lessons I didn’t realize until now. It is a true test of perseverance and patience, of making right decisions and letting go of past mistakes. It taught me how to move on, to accept the things I can’t change, to love and be loved. Ultimately, high school is a testament of my accomplishment- an accomplishment that surpasses a 2300 on the SAT or a 4.0 average, but shows how strong and brave I am for dealing with the suffering that is embedded in my coming of age story. Surely, I will forget about everything: the friends, the enemies, the good days and bad days, the most humiliating experiences and my sophomore year. Everything will become a blurry recollection of past events I won’t conjure in my mind until I’m 40. In some ways, I’m lucky that it works out this way. But even though everything that happens in high school will not matter in the future, it mattered then and that is why I’m writing this prose. The irony of writing a memoire to only forget about it is the 2nd biggest oxymoron I know. |
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August 2019
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